I write this with a very heavy heart. Paula passed away yesterday, very peacefully, with her family at her bedside in the hospice. She wasn't in there long, and the final stages of her illness were mercifully brief. I had spoken with her son yesterday lunch time and again today, and he stressed that her passing was peaceful and calm, with her spending her last days mostly asleep.

I had visited her in the hospice - she was in a lovely four bedded room with glorious views out over from Penarth right across the Bristol Channel towards Somerset. She was very happy with the care she received in the hospice, and her family were able to come down and spend time with her at the end. My last memory of her is her smiling at some quilt blocks, cushion (the ones in my previous post) and a bag I'd made from fabric she'd given me that I took in to show her - she was interested even at that late stage, still very alert in herself and very cheerful, even though she was by then incredibly frail and clearly weakening.

For her, I am wholeheartedly delighted in one sense that her illness has come to a close. She was fully prepared for her death, didn't fear it and was looking forward to being reunited with those she loved. From a purely selfish point of view, it's been a pretty miserable day, both for me and for Andrew who's up in London today - I've really missed him. He phoned earlier and had decided to cheer us up by booking tickets for us for Tristan und Isolde in 2012 - nothing like a bit of Wagner to soothe the soul.

I recently had a long chat with another friend about Paula's death and she was commenting on the common experience of knowing something rationally (like a terminal diagnosis) but not "getting" it emotionally until a particular trigger or event. I know what she meant, I can remember this happening when my grandmother died and although I understood it, it only really hit me when I saw the coffin on the day of the funeral. In Paula's case though this hasn't happened. Partly because of my own experiences with cancer, I've written before about the curse of being aware of impending mortality. I accepted the reality of Paula's illness almost immediately and it meant that we were able to have very honest conversations about it and that I never put things off. One thing that makes me very happy is that I can look back on a lot of lovely, shared memories and that both of us consciously took the time to do things together. It has been one of the blessings of my now very flexible working patterns that I have been able to do this and has really confirmed for me the value in this which has been priceless. It has also been one of the very few occasions when my having cancer has been of some use or benefit - my own experience meant that going with her to medical appointments, chemo sessions etc held no fears and I was comfortable with the jargon used and crucially, some of the rather strange feelings it throws up. Something that particularly annoyed Paula was when people would treat her almost as though she were already dead - using a special, hushed tone of voice and a strangely simple delivery. It used to drive her potty - "I'm not dead yet and I haven't lost my brain" she'd say, usually laughing at it. In fact, when I look back at the last months I see a lot of happy memories, laughter and enjoyment, rather than long faces and gloom. The hardest parts were when Jim and Baloo died just after Christmas, and for me when she gave me her quilting stash. That day, I came home and howled miserably for about two hours straight. Yet, even for that, I was hugely honoured and very touched, and I am looking forward to incorporating her fabrics into projects for many years yet, giving her another form of legacy.

One of the hardest things will be walking at Tredegar House again - that is where we got to know her and where we'd meet so often. I have no doubt that in the months and years ahead it will be there that I will mourn her and the dogs (with whom she is now reunited) most deeply.

In my last post, I mentioned looking forward to a quilting class. Well, I went along and spent a day doing Log Cabin quilt blocks. I love log cabins - they are one of my favourites. Doing the class was great - as usual, a lovely bunch of fellow students and a wonderful tutor in Judy Mendelssohn. Judy is the Associate Editor of Patchwork and Quilting Magazine and is an internationally known teacher, tutor and speaker on quilting, so we were very lucky to have her. She's also about to lead a trip over to Paducah, Kentucky which for quilters is a sort of Mecca. I took in a variety of fabrics and ended up using a Moda Scrap Bag - the Eden range of fabrics. This is a selection of zingy prints in lilac, pink, white, apple green and yellow, with modern florals, birds and abstract prints. As most of the colours were in similar tones, I abandoned the usual convention of shading the blocks from light to dark, and having a red centre square. Instead I used a bright yellow that Paula gave me as the central square and a random build up of logs. I finished the blocks today and ended up with six blocks made with 2.5" strips and one made for some reason with 2" strips. I already had in my stash a plain cotton in a sort of crushed raspberry colour and had picked up a small cheap cushion in Ikea last week (70p!!! Rude not to.) used the smaller block as the base of a cushion cover, making edging and back in the plain cotton. Some pics attached of the finished cushion and the laid out blocks.

Update - I laid out the pressed blocks and the completed cushion on our bed for photographing, then brought the camera into the study for uploading on to the computer and writing my blog. Shortly after, rioting noises were heard and I found Andy lying ON the quilt blocks trying to EAT the cushion. We had words. Fortunately, no permanent harm has been done to blocks, cushion or greyhound.

Then we had the pleasure of a visit by my auntie Hilary. She came up on the Thursday and went home on Saturday. One of the objects of her visit was a trip to Ikea - after doing some major remodelling of her kitchen and adding a conservatory she is in need of some stuff. We had a lovely day there and we also managed to find time to squeeze in a trip to Inkspot our favourite craft shop. I made some muffins on Friday morning for breakfast before our trip to the Swedish wonderland (cranberry), and dropped some round to Paula en route. However, I forgot to put the tray of the remaining uneaten muffins back on the windowsill and when we came home we found a large pile of crumbs and a few small scraps of the paper cases.

Saturday I was doing an extra all day shift in the library so Andrew dropped me off before taking Hil to the station. Sunday morning, Andrew was in one of his regular 10K races - the Atlantic College one, held in the rolling countryside round the beautiful coastline of the Vale of Glamorgan. The weather was gorgeous too - spring is definately in the air. Lots of sunshine, not much wind, perfect for the race. Andrew did a good time, on checking it seems it was 1 second faster than his time on the course last year. Some pics attached. Then back home for some lunch and I went back out to work.

Monday came the call I've been dreading - it was Paula to say that after I'd seen her on Friday her condition had deteriorated over the weekend and for the first time she was in quite a bit of pain. Her lovely Marie Curie nurse arranged for her to be admitted straight away to Holme Towers, our local hospice. Fortunately, they have managed to get her pain management sorted out almost straight away and are making sure she's getting plenty of fluids. We've arranged for me to go and see her tomorrow and we'll take it from there. I doubt if she will be coming back out; some patients do find a quick stay in the hospice very helpful for stabilising their condition or getting their pain management sorted before returning home, but I don't think this will be likely for Paula. I feel a whole series of very mixed emotions - but primarily I'm pleased that she is being well taken care of, by experts, who really understand her needs. Everything else is secondary.

Tuesday was International Women's Day. Paula had been given some tickets for an event at the Millennium centre, so we went down there. The event was all about inspiring women sharing their stories, with a particular emphasis on the black community who have lived in Butetown (Tiger Bay in the old days, Shirley Bassey's stamping ground). The event was compered by an old friend of Paula's, and it was lively, interesting and very moving at times hearing some of the stories. Paula had a shock though as her friend called her up on stage to say a few words - completely unexpectedly. Paula was great - gave a short and witty speech, mentioning her illness without saying too much (that's a tricky job) and having everyone in stitches as she mentioned getting her first NVQ at the age of 75 (for beading), and now working on her advanced one. It brought a big lump to my throat seeing her up on stage like that.

Afterwards we went for a coffee and then toddled home. On Thursday it transpired that WAG have realised they will not be able to enact the dog breeding legislation before the Assembly breaks up at the end of the month. Elections are being held in early May. The Minister has said that consultation on the original draft will continue with the hope that any future administration will run with the programme. I really hope this does not get lost - a huge amount of work has gone in to get it to this point. I had a call from Horse and Hound asking for my views on some parts of the proposals - by the sound of it, the future consultations and tweaks will be quite thorough. Apparently over 500 responses were received for the initial consultation, which they are still working through.

I also did some baking and took some round for Paula as she is having a friend to stay this weekend. I did a batch of bread rolls - half for her and half to keep and a Mary Berry iced lemon traybake. I used a new silicon dish for the traybake and put the other half of the mix into silicon cup cake cases, then iced all of them. Paula has said that after extensive testing the cake is great! My confidence with silicon is gradually increasing.

Paula went to Velindre today for her check up. Her tumours are growing and she is continuing to lose weight, now just over seven and a half stone. She's decided after consulting with her Marie Curie nurse and her family that when the time comes she wants to be cared for in our local hospice, over at Penarth. If it's anything like as good as Grove House, the hospice in St Albans where I was looked after, she'll be fine. She's already had a visit over there and had a look round, and really likes it there. We're not sure when that will be of course. When Paula was first diagnosed as being terminal, the doctors had tentatively suggested she might have up to two years. That was eighteen months ago, and although her illness is progressing, in many ways she is still living a very normal life. Fortunately, and very happily, she is pretty much pain free, not needing anything stronger than the occasional paracetamol. I am so full of admiration about the way she is dealing with her illness. She is very matter of fact, calm and clear. Her biggest hope was that she would outlive the dogs and that she has accomplished, so I know she feels much less worried about the future. As her friend, I have found it a million times harder than dealing with my own cancer, but my own experiences have been very valuable in preparing me and helping me be a better support to her over the course of the illness.

Lent started this week, and both Andrew and I decided we'd give up alcohol. We get a day off on Sundays, and we've also agreed that as my birthday falls during Lent, that an exception can be made for that, especially as we'll be on holiday in Pembrokeshire. I wouldn't describe us as being normally heavy drinkers but we do really enjoy what we do drink so this will be quite hard, which of course is the point. Giving up something we didn't miss wouldn't be a challenge.

Tomorrow I am doing a quilting course over at Busy Bees. I will write more on this after the event.