A sad day. Kayla, another lady with cervical cancer has died. Kayla and her husband Stu fought the recurrence of this disease so bravely for the past two years. On many occasions I've laughed while tears ran down my cheeks, reading Stu's blogs, or Kayla's posts on Jo's Trust (charity to support women/partners with cervical cancer/pre-cancer). Kayla was treated at the Royal Marsden, and even they struggled at times as she went through the hell of all sorts of complications, infections and her condition went through a roller coaster of ups and downs. Yet all the time each obstacle overcome still seemed only to take her back to a slightly lower start point. I had been expecting the news for some time when Stu said that they could offer no more treatment, then the cancer spread to two new sites and then the only concern was to make her comfortable. In one sense I am so pleased - her fight is over, and all the pain too. In another, it breaks my heart, as Stu and Kayla were one of those couples whose love was so strong that it quite literally shone out of their communications, their behaviour and their love for their children. In the bizarre world of cancer, nothing could seem as romantic as Stu's loving description of his little pit viper snoring and dribbling with vomit in her hair, or as blackly funny as the descriptions of the stranger ways of the NHS. Stu is one of those husbands who love and care tenderly for their wives through the most horrendous times, and completely gives the lie to the nonsense some women spout about men. Andrew is another, and I can think of several more, some known IRL and some via Jo's.

Couples like Stu and Kayla are an inspiration - I frequently fail in my attempts to live as I should but draw strength and hope from people like these. Some people have the wonderful gift of acting as lights to point the way - quite literally wayfinders in Burton's case but there was another man who was passionate about doing the right thing. His motto was "Honour not Honours" and is entirely in accordance with how he lived. It would be right to say that I cared deeply about living the right way before I was ill (as befits a keen 7 Habits girl) but the illness really emphasised it. When I went back to work, I really couldn't see the point in a lot of the things I saw - I had chosen consciously that job, in the full knowledge that I could be living on borrowed time, and therefore when the end comes I don't want to look back at wasted time spent on petty nonsense. It was very helpful and refreshing having Phil as a boss, as he seemed also to understand this and gave short shrift to political posturing or morally questionable behaviour (never in short supply in the workplace). I never asked him if he had gone through any illness either himself or with someone close - it never felt right to ask such a personal question. One of the difficulties I have now is the seeming lack of clarity in the current management arrangements - the view of the 5th floor at County Hall has been disappointing in many ways, although an eye-opener.